I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Owl Sanctuary
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
that colleague who touches your screen
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more