I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight