After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes