76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
forgive me baja for i have blast
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them