Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Mistakes were made
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law