Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.