I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.