Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Dolls on drugs
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.