Bro what is this
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.