I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
absolutely not
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I beg your pardon?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you