“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.