Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Oh my god
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
This was a bad idea all around
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring