The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son