[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
You Might Also Like
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
constantly working on myself.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”