Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
we all know this pain all too well
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?