scenes of unspeakable carnage
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.