his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Yeah. This was me today.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet