The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Happy birthday to all the women
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?