I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza