Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
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[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I hate everything
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Why am I like this?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
them: what鈥檇 you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son鈥檚 friends} 鈥榮up bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD