[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.