I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms