I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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7
8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not