Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
You Might Also Like
Butt weight. There’s more!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
pelicons
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure