Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving