The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I needed a laugh this morning.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.