Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human