Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
ouch
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”