Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
These work great until they don’t.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
This is what makes twitter great
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.