My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*