“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
You Might Also Like
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
God has abandoned us.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
do horses think humans are hats
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.