Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.