How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.