Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Sign of the day..
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration