A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You Might Also Like
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Meow
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.