This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Maths meets science
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.