My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
These work great until they don’t.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.