[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Intelligence is the new cleavage
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
NASA has no chill
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth