Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent