“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
respect
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
breakfast, the most important beer of the day