The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.