Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat鈥檚 demands and now he has more.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what鈥檚 for dinner?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 an extra chin.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touch茅.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes