Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
my professor scared me for a second