Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.