Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
You Might Also Like
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.