“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Is your wife single?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious