Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee