Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You Might Also Like
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
is this meant to deter me
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.