(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.