Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Geez man, take it easy.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.